dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
