So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
