You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
