Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
