tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we're so committed to being not committed
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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