Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
