I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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