I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
