Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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