So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just blew my weed a kiss
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
