She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
