Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
