You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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