I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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