Can i not drive my cunt home
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
