he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
