If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
