I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
