I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
