The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
