if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
