I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Sacagawea was the original milf.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
