i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
