i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
