I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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