'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
