People with herpes should wear stickers.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
