Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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