Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
