I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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