I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
