Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
