I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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