she woke up with a sticky ear
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
