What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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