i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
