a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
