the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
