I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
