He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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