They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
