Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
