Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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