oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
