Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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