Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
