dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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