I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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