I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
