My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
