he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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