Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
