Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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