Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
